My father is very tall, I remember how I was looking at him when I was a little girl. He was perfect. He used to carry 10 schoolbags, smile to everyone and prepare French fries for all of my friends. No wonder that everybody around me kept telling me how lucky I was to have such a great dad. Indeed, I was very proud of him, just like my daughter is proud of his grandfather now.
This wonderful dad had another face which I was ashamed of and I didn`t understand how it was possible that this powerful man is lying on the carpet knocked down by alcohol. I did not understand what was happening to him, the day before he was playing with me and today
I was waiting for him, knowing that he would return late, stinking and maybe yelling.
I couldn’t comprehend how that understanding, loving father then, suddenly, expressed vulgarly, insulted my mother and screamed.
Today I`m more than 30 years old and I still understand really well this little girl who loved her father and suffered watching him drunk. I know that my childhood shaped my personality, my strengths and weaknesses. My puberty is still going on, because every day brings me to analyze my behavior and learn the truth about myself.
First truth – Discovering my femininity
For a long time I did not know why my contacts with colleagues were only friendly, always with a certain distance. I had friends only from the circle of “Oasis” and I didn`t see anything wrong in that. As soon as I sensed some deeper interest in me I ran away. I covered my body with long skirts and blouses with long sleeves. I did not want to provoke anyone. The woman’s body was associated with evil and I didn’t discover for a long time, why?
It took many years to get over my mother`s words who suspected my father had sexual contacts with other women. I thought that sexual contacts arise from primitive instincts.
I believed that they weren’t pleasant so I protected myself. I always thought that boys had only bad intensions. I did not want to be used I dreamed about good prince from a fairy tale making him someone unattainable. Finally, I met someone I was not afraid to start a family with. Today I`m happily married although experiencing difficulties. Many times it hurts me that I`m making my husband unhappy as a man because I don`t behave like a woman. I know that my sexual sphere is disturbed and this is the reason we experienced a lot of suffering together. I believe that there is hope for us and the years of marriage show that the only effective remedy for my fears is my husband’s warmth, sensitivity and understanding.
Second truth – Discovering an adult
Living in a family with alcohol problems is the reason that I`ve always tried so hard. I was an activist, first at college than at work. I thought that people`s interests had to be earned. When I failed, I burnt my bridges. For a very long time I didn`t believe in friendship and selfless love. I do not know when I discovered that a mature man should face the fear and accept himself, accept the reality. I tried to forget about my defensive reactions from childhood. I have identified my talents, I feel that I am developing. It`s hard for me to work on my radicalism, pride and all forms of selfishness. When I hear some negative opinion, I want to run away and don`t take it to myself. My maturation continues but I`m not alone.
Third truth – I am the beloved daughter of God
The truth that I am a beloved daughter of God was always in me. I knew that as a little girl longing for her daddy. I know that when I was crying God was crying with me and it was Him who was bringing my drunk father home. He watched over me and over him. In subsequent years, He allowed me to experience His presence. He worked wonders in my family and in my marriage. He turned the painful experience of betrayal in another step toward maturity. He let me re-discover the secret of the sacrament of marriage. He gave me love, which is not an empty word, not an emotion, but a feeling of forgiveness and duration.
With all my heart I thank Him for the gift of motherhood. I know that only thanks to His perfect love I can love another man so hard that I could give my life for him.
Translated by Patrycja Osoba – Flak