Reflecting on my life, I want to begin with words of gratitude to my Beloved, Jesus. Everything that has happened is for me proof of His presence and His guidance.
I remember the thought that took hold of me after I entered the convent: how simple and easy my life is, how fortunate I am and how everything works out... a complete family; I began and finished each stage of my education without any obstacles, and now - a vocation...
This clearly shows that back then I was quite unaware. In reality, other, deeper and subtler thoughts also came to me, to which I gave no importance: why do I constantly feel bad? Why can I not form deep personal relationships, why do they trouble me? Why does it hurt me so much when others judge me, whether positively or negatively? Why are people unkind toward me? Now I can answer: I did not notice human kindness. Some time later these questions became more insistent, more tormenting; they destroyed me from within. Loneliness grew, a sense of alienation, and finally fear. Gradually it became clear to me that a problem had arisen that needed to be addressed seriously, and that occasional conversations with the Mother Superior would not solve it. After several years of inner struggle, I began group therapy.
Only then, in therapy, did I fully understand that my memories of childhood had been false. In my complete family, then living in prosperity, small and large dramas were hidden. I will not describe them, for two reasons. First, it would be pointless to add yet another well-known scenario. Second, I wanted to emphasize something else, because something else is a value for me. That value is the possibility of growth, of coming out of a crisis, of inner development. I am a nun, and that is why my growth on the level of human - more precisely, psychological - development had to go, and did go, in parallel with spiritual development; I opened myself to receiving grace. Probably every fruitfully lived therapy contains an element of opening to God's guidance, but for me this was especially important and, as it were, programmatic. These two levels in my personal history constantly touched and permeated each other. This is what I want to tell about.
The time of therapy was very hard for me. The difficulty lay in combining the demands of life with the exhausting study of understanding and presenting myself. The very fact that earlier no one in my community had taken part in group therapy, and that because of this many sisters did not understand me or simply did not want to, was already quite a great challenge. I understood my sisters' unease, though I could not yet show them that I understood. On the other hand, I was sure I had chosen the right path, and that every desire of mine for order is, in essence, God's desire. I tried not to lose sight of the goal - to study myself, in order to serve God and people more fully and better. This was, of course, an urgent goal - to cope with the inner pain, to be rid of it or at least to place it somewhere sensibly. Yet I knew that this was a temporary goal, and perhaps even more a means than a goal.
The burdens of therapy also lay in acknowledging the truth about me and my family, in accepting the diagnosis I heard. Indeed, it was hard for me to cast off the label of a respectable family, to give up its good reputation and, perhaps more, my own. But in the end I had to yield to the weight of the facts - I felt too heavily upon myself the consequences of my former life. The inner desire for truth was very strong, and it became the beginning of my return, for that is how I define this exhausting therapeutic work.
The fruits of therapy surprised me. Above all, the time passed when I blamed my parents for my inner suffering; I quickly understood that the past no longer affects me as much as it might seem, and as would essentially be convenient for me, and I understood that in many cases the quality of my life depends on me. Thus the experience of therapy became for me the experience of my own attachments and failings. Perhaps such attachments are common to many people, but I had an additional reason to nurture them: the evil that was done to me. It was a great turning point for me to be freed from such ruminations, and at the same time I could joyfully govern my life, including my inner life. Suddenly it turned out what a great gift free will is for me, supported by the Holy Spirit.
I learned to govern myself and to shift my attention, my main point of interest, from my suffering to the outside world and its needs. An answer came to the questions asked at the beginning - questions about feeling bad, the absence of relationships and of human kindness. The answer was: I am too focused on myself, I dwell on my hurts, and I am unable to notice and experience anything else. I understood that it is not a matter of getting rid of suffering, but of not concentrating on it, and then, paradoxically, it subsides. Besides, this suffering can be entrusted to Jesus - it is truly a real possibility. The verse of Psalm 18 became alive for me: "Lord, my God, lightens my darkness." Only Jesus, my Lord God, knew what "my darkness" meant, and how much He gives me by enlightening it. This knowledge required enormous labor and lasted many years, and in fact continues. Every victory confirms that it was worth undertaking, because the gain many times exceeds the effort.
The second important fruit of therapy was the experience of forgiveness. At first I struggled with returning sadness and pain. A day came when I understood that forgiveness too is a decision of the will; its dynamic is different from the dynamic of feelings. Feelings can return, but toward the thoughts that begin to recall painful situations, the will can say "stop", this is no longer, this is already forgiven. After some time of such practice it turned out that even my feelings are able to yield and slowly quieten, if I so wish. I remember this was an extraordinary discovery for me, after which I began to ask Jesus to give me, in every situation, time for my reaction, so that there would be less of the unexpected in my life. I could not yet react rightly straight away. It was not a matter of forgiving what was in the past, but rather what is now, and that the heart be free from resentment toward anyone - in every moment free for Jesus. My susceptibility to hurts and my sensitivity was and is a great challenge, but not one the Holy Spirit could not handle.
An important aspect of forgiveness is for me also renouncing the expectation of hurts in the future, that is, overcoming suspicion and mistrust toward others. I remember a moment when, during prayer, I decided that I would not let my fear govern my concrete outward actions, my relations with people. This decision came from Jesus, and He blessed me, because later I became convinced that it is better to expose oneself to naivety than to accuse someone unjustly even once. Defending another person, I will always feel peace; accusing - never. This discovery was a clear healing of thought and imagination and, to a certain extent, of the will as well.
Here I interrupt the description of my path. I say interrupt, and do not end, because this story is not yet finished. I am aware that much still remains to be done, and that the Lord has prepared for me an abundance of grace. I already know that a deep knowledge of oneself gives life its flavor, and one must strive for it. I will never be rid of my sensitive places, which are easily wounded, but now these places are like stigmata; because of them I resemble my crucified Beloved - there is the place for the closest meeting. He teaches me not to focus attention on myself and my suffering, and in this I want to be like Him.
I know that I will feel grace again. I know, because my experience tells me so; Jesus never left me without the possibility of resolving some problem, as long as He saw that I was ready to accept His solution and truly asked for it. Many times I felt that He was awaiting my consent, my opening, in order to enter my heart and generously endow me. I am sure that in the future it will be so.